Making Relationships Work

I recently attended a wedding where the bride and groom were introduced through family involvement or maybe interference, whichever way you like to look at it.  The bride was originally from Birmingham but now living in Glasgow and the groom from the ghetto’s of Stoke.  Perfect match? I thought so too. 

Oh how cute they looked, the bling teethed groom in his bullet proof teflon vest alongside the radiant bride covered in gold that would I’m pretty sure account for more than Bolivia’s GDP.  If you really want to know where Gordon Brown sold the UKs gold reserves, look no further, as the bride from Glasgow was wearing it…. All of it!

Anyhow, it got me thinking how did they get to know each other with being so far away? It’s not as if you could just meet up after work over a hazelnut latte and pretend how busy your day was.  Similarly weekends can be booked up with visits to Ikea to purchase that much sought after mood lamp that will just make your living room resemble a car boot sale or worse a brothel.  This doesn’t leave you much time for romance.

Maybe you could take a couple of days off work to visit your potential future partner? however you do have to be careful though so early in a “relationship” to do this, especially if you have only got 3 days annual leave left until Christmas and you want to go away to Amsterdam with your mates.  

Well, there is the telephone of course to stay in touch and get to know each other. Ah the good old dog and bone, talk for hours making endless conversation of hopes and dreams that you may one day share with your future loved one. Only for reality to hit 3 months after your married when you realise that the height of your partner’s ambition is to have pie & chips every thursday watching some high pitched orange wag shouting “Shaaatuupp”.  Sorry, my bad, let’s not look that far ahead just yet.

Back to the phone we go, ah yes there’s only really so much you can actually talk about over the phone, before one of you decides to nod off and snore down the line.

As you can imagine there’s nothing quite like hearing your future partner make sounds of a wombat through her nostrils.  Just think if you play your cards right, you could hear that noise every night….. for the rest of your life! Sexy times indeed.

But technology has moved on of course, you can stay in contact through web cam I hear you say? Ah a wise option, or is it?  Sure you can see each other every night, you both smile and giggle, you make a comment about not wearing any make up, and she makes a comment that u look amazing without it, oh wait, that should be the other way round.  Good times.

But let’s not cloud over the issue for even one minute though. I mean really what your thinking is jeez this guy’s nose hair is blocking the full laptop screen and that he should really put some pants on.  Where as the guy is thinking when is she going to show some cleavage or at least have the decency to turn the bloody web cam off so he can start streaming some of the good stuff all the way from Japan.

Which leads me to believe the best way or only way to maintain a long distance relationship is face to face and by meeting up on a regular basis.

To prove my point, let me introduce you to a friend of mine called Imran, an old school friend who I recently got back in touch with.  Imran is a 30 something high profile investment banker in London who is absolutely desperate to settle down.  One failed relationship after another have started to take their toll on the poor fella, and is so broken and lost I’m pretty sure he would marry a goat if it meant he could go down on one knee just so he could keep up with his married friends.

About 4 months ago, through the inter-tweb thingy and the world of fartbook, Imran met Alandra, a half Colombian half American college student from New Orleans.  Think J-Lo’s figure with Beyonce’s looks and you would be about half way there.

They have been talking regularly through Skype, facebook, webcam, msn and any other means of communication and Imran has now flown out 3 times in the last 3 months to see her. Very keen indeed.

Now every time he goes out to the U.S he buys her a handbag, some Tiffany's jewellery, puts her up in a fancy hotel, and pays for dinner etc like a gentleman would.  When they are meeting up and are together he tells me it’s great.

The flip side to that is when he is back in the UK, Alandra tends to go missing for days on end with rumours of an ex on the scene and poor Imran doesn’t quite know what to do, so he plays dumb and pretends everything is swell.  One time Imran was feeling brave and he did raise the issue of settling down, Alandra didn’t speak to him for nearly 2 weeks after that.

She will however suddenly reappear with the “when are you coming over I miss you, p.s can you pick up a Gucci handbag from duty free on your way”  sweet talk. Imran goes all mushy like a tin of peas and logs on to British Airways for his plane ticket.  On his last visit, Imran told me things are going excellent and he is in the process of buying her a vespa to ride around college in and will be inviting her over to London for the summer as she called him tight and not spending his money on her. I know what you're thinking.

Imran sees it as a small price to pay for some "luvin" as he so eloquently puts it, and the ball is firmly in his court. Personally I think there isn't even a ball or a court, hell it ain't even the same sport, but they do say love is blind.

The point is, Imran's "relationship" with Alandra works when they see each other, and not so much to put it mildly when they are on opposite sides of the pond.  So it's safe to assume, the more you see each other during the early days of courting, the better the odds of sustaining a healthy relationship in the long run, even if it means taking a hefty hit on your wallet like poor Imran. 

Peace, Love & Happiness 

TanRockStar

Charity, Loads of Contacts & the King of Pop

A couple of Sundays a month I do my good deed and volunteer for the charity Save The Children.  Yes, not just a pretty face I hear you say.  The work mostly involves setting up fundraising events at a local level, and helping with merchandising and stock at the local charity shop. 

Yesterday at the shop, it was like any other normal day, full of shoppers looking for a bargain and of course those who like to haggle over a copy of Alan Titmarsh’s autobiography.  Who can blame them, I mean paying £1.25 to read about how the green fingered Titmarsh rose to fame is simply extortionate.   I’d rather buy a bag of compost and just bury my head in it, or better still, Titmarsh’s head, and while we’re at it, might as well put Charlie “I don’t own a bra” Dimmock and Tommy “I’ll open an envelope if you pay me” Walsh in there too.  UK Gold, you have been warned, please do not repeat Ground Force, EVER.

Anyway, a couple of hours had gone by when in walked Jason, I knew my day was about to take a turn for the worse.  Now for those of you who are unfamiliar with Jason, let me introduce you.  Mr Jason Getts is a regular in the charity shop,  he never actually buys anything but thinks of himself as the second coming of Del Boy, a bit of a wheeler dealer.  Whatever you want, Jason Getts.  Get it? Impressed? I was too.

Unfortunately for Jason that’s where the similarity ends, as the concept of charity has been somehow erased from his mind.  Wearing his usual tea cosy hat, and green shell suit, Jason looks like the lost 4th member of N-Dubz.  In all my time I’ve known him, I have yet to see him without the tea cosy.

Now Jason can get you anything, and I mean anything, at a price of course.  He always knows a guy with “loads of contacts”.  You want the latest designer clothes? who needs Selfridges, talk to Jason.  Jewellery just like France’s First Lady Carla Bruni wears? no problem, talk to Jason.  Hey, you want a thai mail order bride? forget the internet, talk to Jason.

So in he had walked with a bag full of items that he had got off one of his many “contacts” and was looking to do a deal.  The fact that we were a charity shop that only accepted donations, was lost to him. 

Before we got to the rehearsed and polished sales patter, he said he was on the lookout for a passport, and he offered to sell mine to a Ukrainian he knew of course who had loads of contacts and that he could get me a good price.  Why on earth I’d actually want to sell my passport, Jason couldn’t quite comprehend.

So once that topic of conversation was over, it was time to see what he had in his bag of goodies.

Item number 1 he pulled out of the bag like some street magician from Covent Garden was a 10inch porcelain figure of David Gower.  Now this was either unfinished or someone had taken a severe disliking to the cover drive David was playing and decided to break his cricket bat.  Now normally they retail at £100, but since we were a charity he would let me have it for £20. Now a sane response from me would just be blocked out by his tea cosy hat.  So I told him I support Pakistan, and unless he can pick up a porcelain figure of Imran Khan playing a reverse sweep, I wasn’t interested.

Back into the rucksack Jason went and item number 2 he pulled out was a black and decker cordless drill.  Not bad I thought, and tried to give it a whirl.  Straight away there was a problem, the battery was flat and Jason didn't have the charger. Retailing at £125 he would do a deal at £30 due to the minor default, but he did have a contact at B&Q who would do me a good price on a charger.  I had to just roll my eyes and respectfully decline. 

Item number 3 was a real gem, the final and the best of the lot, a signed copy of Michael Jackson’s masterpiece album - Thriller.  Yes a SIGNED copy.  I couldn’t believe it, all my birthdays, Christmases, Eids, and anything else I fancied celebrating had all come at once I thought.  I nearly fell off my stool.  Michael Jackson’s signed Thriller album on the counter in front of me. All I could say in my highest pitched voice was “he-heeeeeeee”, I wanted to moonwalk across the shop floor.

Jason not missing a beat started his sales pitch in his deep black country accent.  “Obviously I had to go through one of my trusted contacts in America for this and as you know Michael Jackson is dead so its worth a fortune”.. Really? Noooo? I wish somebody had told me, I thought he was living in Venezuela picking out coffee beans for Nescafe.  Anyway, the price Jason wanted.... £100.  Now money was no object at this point as I picked up the CD for a closer inspection. 

I asked about a certificate of authenticity,  to which Jason advised, he had a contact in Berlin who could verify Michael Jacksons autograph as he also had an original autograph that Michael personally signed on tour back in 1995. Hmmm, of course he did, why wouldn’t he?  I started to become sceptical of this too good to be true CD I was holding in my hand.

Then as I looked at the signature of the perhaps the greatest pop musician to have graced the airwaves, I noticed that it was in pristine condition and that the red ink had barely dried.  Jason advised that he carried it in an air tight container to preserve its longevity.  Again, I marvelled at his dedication to the cause. 

However, there was one final sticking point, before I decided to run to the ATM and part with some cold hard cash.  At the bottom of the thriller album sleeve note, it stated “Digitally re-mastered  2010”, that and a botched attempt at half removing a HMV price tag.

So I put it to Jason, how did he get the King of Pop to sign the album a year after he died?  Was it through a seance one of his many contacts might have had with Jacko? Or did Michael come back from the dead and launch the re-mastered albums at his local HMV shop in Dudley?

Obviously he didn’t know what had happened but would be talking to his contact for answers.

As he made a quick exit, Jason advised he would be back next week and have something that I would definitely be interested in.   I can’t wait, roll on next week.

Take care for now, peace love and happiness.

TanRockStar

P.S. Please feel free to checkout and donate on the site below, it’s all for a good cause and don’t worry, not a single penny will be going to Mr Jason Getts.

http://www.savethechildren.org.uk/